If you’ve ever experienced grief or have been close to someone who has, you may be familiar with the five stages of grief. They were first described in the book “On Death and Dying” written by Swiss American psychiatrist Kubler-Ross in 1969. Psychologists and therapists have discovered a lot about grieving since then and it’s become clear that grief isn’t as straightforward as the five stages make it out to be.
In her book, Kubler-Ross lists five responses that became known as the five stages of grief following the loss of a loved one:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Even though everyone experiences grief in a different way, the five stages are not a checklist that everyone goes through. What does change is the order in which they’re experienced. People may recognise some of these feelings, revisit them in no particular order, or not identify with the model at all.
You may also feel different emotions while grieving. Therapist Melanie Hudson notes that numbness, longing, disbelief, and deep sadness are also common emotions related to grief.
The important thing is that grief is a natural feeling and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it. It’s best to be patient with yourself, give yourself time to grieve at your own pace, and allow your response to unfold without forcing it into stages.
You may find you experience some of the stages and not the others. Some feelings may be long-lasting and intense while others are fleeting and mild. Just remember that grief is incredibly personal and subjective. Just let it happen and be kind to yourself.
Acceptance can be one of many difficult ideas people encounter while grieving, but it is not a compulsory stage. Here’s some advice to help you come to terms with it after your loved one’s death.
What exactly is acceptance?
It’s not easy to define acceptance in terms of grief. Just like grief is a very personal thing, acceptance is subjective and means different things to different people. What one person experiences during the acceptance stage of grief can be completely different from what someone else feels. Acceptance can mean:
- Acknowledging that your loved one has gone, they’re not going to come back, and it’s going to hurt for some time.
- That you’ve gone through the journey of grieving and you can get back to your life as it was meant to be.
- That you accept you’ve lost someone important to you and you’re moving through the grieving process.
Acceptance may mean one of the above to you or it may mean none at all. Whatever the significance the stage of grief has to you, it’s valid and is something you need to work through.
It’s common to feel guilty during the acceptance stage of grief. You may feel like you’re betraying the person you’ve lost. While this feeling isn’t pleasant, it’s also a natural part of the grieving process, as therapist Rachel Buchan explains.
Is acceptance the final stage of the grieving process?
Acceptance is often shown last in the five-stage model, but grief does not have a required final stage. Some choose to make their feelings more tangible and turn the ashes of their loved one into a cremation diamond.
This way they can keep the person they lost with them at all times. A piece of cremation jewellery can also act as a reminder of how precious life is and how important it is to make the most of our time on the planet.
For some people, acceptance describes recognising the reality of the death while continuing to grieve and live with the loss. However, this isn’t always the case.
One day you may think you’re experiencing acceptance and you’re ready to move on. Only to find the next day you’ve gone back to anger or depression. People rarely experience the five stages of grief in the same order. However you move through the stages, you need to remember that grief is natural and you’re doing what’s best for you.
What does acceptance look like?
Acceptance looks totally different depending on the person experiencing it. The only predictable thing about it is its unpredictability. You may discover that you’re able to recover and adjust to life without your loved one quicker than you imagined. You may even feel guilty and like you betrayed your loved one because you didn’t suffer longer.
There is no single way acceptance must look. However, if you experience intense feelings of guilt and betrayal over a long period, you may want to consider getting help. John Wilson is a counsellor who specialises in bereavement therapy and may be able to help you.
How long will it take to reach the acceptance stage?
There’s no time limit for grief. There is no reliable timetable and no requirement to move through earlier stages before feeling some acceptance. But because they also have unpredictable timelines, it’s impossible to say how long these feelings will last.
Feelings can change over time, recur around reminders and remain different from one person to another. Nobody should feel they have failed if acceptance does not arrive in a clear or permanent form. If, separately, a cremation diamond feels meaningful, it can be considered at your own pace as one optional memorial rather than a step required for healing.
If grief is making daily life difficult, support is available. NHS guidance on grief and bereavement explains routes to help; urgent danger or thoughts of self-harm require immediate professional or emergency support.