Why do we feel angry when grieving?

I understand grief and anger. When I was a young child, my mum told me that my friend, Tim, had passed away. I knew Tim had been sick for a long time, but I never thought he would die.

I remember running past my mum, tears in my eyes, and avoiding her attempts to hug me. I ran into the garden and climbed as high up into our tree as high as I could. I remember sobbing my eyes out and asking why God had taken my best friend away. I was devastated, but I was really angry, too.

At the time I was surprised at how spontaneous and aggressive my emotions were. I felt out of control and that I was unable to reign in the anger which was completely overwhelming me.

Even as a child, anger can be incredibly powerful. And although no one wants to feel angry, it’s one of the phases many people go through following the loss of a loved one. If you’ve recently experienced loss, you may feel guilty and helpless for being angry, as therapist Tracy Blackburn explains. But it’s important to remember that anger is a natural and healthy part of grieving.

What is anger?

Mind explains that anger isn’t always a bad emotion. We all feel angry sometimes — it’s part of being human. Although it doesn’t feel pleasant, being angry can help us identify problems, motivate us, and help us stay safe.

In terms of grief, you may feel angry toward the person who passed away for leaving you. You may also feel anger toward a higher being, like I did when I was a child, for taking your loved one away from you. Whatever the reason for your anger, it’s a healthy part of the grieving process and it's something most people will go through following loss.

In most cases, the loss of a loved one is not because of something they’ve done. Because of this, it may seem completely illogical for you to feel anger toward them. You may even feel guilty because of your misplaced emotions.

When you’re grieving, the worst thing you can do is deny your anger. You mustn’t bottle up your feelings. You need to release them so you can move on. If you’re struggling with anger, talking to someone can help. Therapist Jacqui Empson-High specialises in bereavement counselling for many different kinds of grief.

The importance of harnessing your anger

As with all stages of grief, it’s important to embrace your emotions, whether you feel like you can control them or not. You need to trust that you’re moving through the process and although it can be repetitive and unpredictable, it’s going to get you where you need to be.

If you feel able, you might want to try harnessing your anger and turning it into something positive like a cremation diamond. You could put it to one side until you’ve moved through the anger phase and are on the path to healing and recovery.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it, your anger is temporary. But a stunning cremation diamond will provide you with an ever-lasting reminder of all the happy times you shared with the loved one you lost.

Why you feel angry after a loss

There are many different reasons why you might feel angry after losing someone close to you.

You may feel that anger gives you back a sense of control and power when you feel powerless. Or you may feel angry because you feel like you’ve been suddenly abandoned by your lost loved one and that they’ve caused you great pain.

You could feel angry because your world has been irreversibly changed and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You may even feel angry because you’re scared about facing the unknown and living without your loved one.

Whatever the reason for your anger, it’s important you try to get to the root of it so you can better understand what’s going on. It can sometimes help to speak to someone professional at times like this. Therapist Jane Evans can help you find out exactly what’s causing your anger.

Avoid bottling up your feelings of anger and frustration. Loss is life-changing for everyone. It’s important to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. You will recover from this and heal.

When I lost my best friend as a child, it took me several years to get over my anger. I may have worked my way through this stage faster if I’d had the support of a child therapist, such as Jamie Forster, but I managed on my own with the help of my family. Months after the event, I couldn’t stop thinking about why this had happened to Tim.

Although it felt like it would go on forever at the time, my anger eventually subsided. I made peace with the notion that Tim was no longer suffering and accepted that he was never going to come back. Now that I’m older and have a better understanding of how bad his suffering must have been, the justification sits well with me.

When you’re grieving, it can sometimes feel like the stages you’re going through will never end. But they will. If you need some help navigating through the journey of grief, consider speaking to a professional. Therapist Reanne Farrer can help you with the process.