I understand grief and anger. When I was a young child, my mum told me that my friend, Tim, had passed away. I knew Tim had been sick for a long time, but I never thought he would die.
I remember running past my mum, tears in my eyes, and avoiding her attempts to hug me. I ran into the garden and climbed as high into our tree as I could. I remember sobbing my eyes out and asking why God had taken my best friend away. I was devastated, but I was really angry, too.
At the time I was surprised at how spontaneous and aggressive my emotions were. I felt out of control and that I was unable to rein in the anger which was completely overwhelming me.
Even as a child, anger can be incredibly powerful. And although no one wants to feel angry, it is one response some people experience following the loss of a loved one. If you’ve recently experienced loss, you may feel guilty and helpless for being angry, as therapist Tracy Blackburn explains. But it’s important to remember that anger can be an understandable response to loss.
What is anger?
Mind explains that anger isn’t always a bad emotion. We all feel angry sometimes — it’s part of being human. Although it doesn’t feel pleasant, being angry can help us identify problems, motivate us, and help us stay safe.
In terms of grief, you may feel angry toward the person who passed away for leaving you. You may also feel anger toward a higher being, like I did when I was a child, for taking your loved one away from you. Whatever the reason for your anger, it can be part of grief, but not everyone experiences it and there is no required sequence.
In most cases, the loss of a loved one is not because of something they’ve done. Because of this, it may seem completely illogical for you to feel anger toward them. You may even feel guilty because of your misplaced emotions.
When you’re grieving, trying to ignore intense anger may not help. It can be useful to notice it and find a way to respond without harming yourself or anyone else. If you’re struggling with anger, talking to someone can help. Therapist Jacqui Empson-High specialises in bereavement counselling for many different kinds of grief.
The importance of harnessing your anger
As with other responses to grief, it’s important to embrace your emotions, whether you feel like you can control them or not. The experience can be repetitive and unpredictable, without following a guaranteed route or endpoint.
You do not need to turn anger into a purchase or make a memorial decision while feelings are intense. If a cremation diamond is meaningful to you, the idea can be considered later and at your own pace.
Anger often changes over time, but nobody can promise when or how it will change. A memorial object may hold personal meaning, but it is not a treatment for grief.
Why you feel angry after a loss
There are many different reasons why you might feel angry after losing someone close to you.
You may feel that anger gives you back a sense of control and power when you feel powerless. Or you may feel angry because you feel like you’ve been suddenly abandoned by your lost loved one and that they’ve caused you great pain.
You could feel angry because your world has been irreversibly changed and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You may even feel angry because you’re scared about facing the unknown and living without your loved one.
Whatever the reason for your anger, it’s important you try to get to the root of it so you can better understand what’s going on. It can sometimes help to speak to someone professional at times like this. Therapist Jane Evans can help you find out exactly what’s causing your anger.
Avoid bottling up your feelings of anger and frustration. Loss is life-changing for everyone. It’s important to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. If anger remains overwhelming or creates a risk of harm, seek appropriate professional support.
When I lost my best friend as a child, it took me several years to get over my anger. I may have worked my way through this stage faster if I’d had the support of a child therapist, such as Jamie Forster, but I managed on my own with the help of my family. Months after the event, I couldn’t stop thinking about why this had happened to Tim.
Although it felt like it would go on forever at the time, my anger eventually subsided. I made peace with the notion that Tim was no longer suffering and accepted that he was never going to come back. Now that I’m older and have a better understanding of how bad his suffering must have been, the justification sits well with me.
When you’re grieving, intense feelings can seem endless, although their form and intensity may change over time. If you need help with anger or bereavement, consider speaking to a suitable professional. NHS bereavement guidance lists routes to support; urgent danger requires immediate professional or emergency help.