Grief counselors explain what you should never say to a grieving person and why
When someone close to you loses a loved one, it’s natural to want to comfort them with some loving, helpful words. While your intentions may be pure and respectful, you need to be careful with what you say and how you say it. You might think you’re being consoling, but your words could actually come across as offensive or even hurtful.
Some common examples include, “He’s in a better place” or “She’s better off now”. While these phrases may come from a place of love, they can be interpreted badly.
It’s unlikely the person grieving believes their loved one is in a better place — the best place for them is on this earth by their side. Equally, saying someone is better off dead can come across as incredibly cold and unfeeling, even if that’s not how you meant it.
What not to say
We all experience grief differently. Because of this, it can feel almost impossible to say the right thing that will have the desired effect. To help you comfort your loved one during their time of need, we spoke to five grief counselors. Here’s what they had to say about the types of things you should certainly avoid when speaking to someone suffering from a recent loss:
Dr Stuart Sadler
“‘You should be over it by now’
‘They’re in a better place now’
‘I know how you’re feeling’
‘You’ll get over it’
‘You shouldn’t feel that way’
‘Time heals all wounds’
‘Try not to think about it’
Often these statements, while well intentioned, can cause greater upset or lead to the person feeling guilty about how they feel. While grieving, it is important to be empathic and sensitive to what the person is feeling rather than trying to help them feel better.”
Dr Stuart Sadler at Newcastle Psychologist & Counselling
Elaine Lim
“I would not say things like ‘Everything happens for a reason’. The grieving person might already be encountering a loss of meaning or purpose in their lives. Saying something like “everything happens for a reason” might only serve to add to their sense of meaninglessness.
Or, something like ‘Time heals all wounds’ is presumptive of the grieving person's mental state. They might feel at this point that they will never get over their grief, and perhaps even not wish to.”
Elaine Lim is a psychosynthesis counsellor and runs yingyangtherapy.com
Benjamin Marr
“As people, we fear death for ourselves and for those we love. Therefore, we create platitudes to distance ourselves from its inevitability. However, death is always around the corner, especially now during a global pandemic.
Talking about death can be hurtful for those going through loss and bereavement as they do not deal with true emotions, they are learnt phrases, safe phrases; ‘I am sorry for your loss’, ‘She passed on’, ‘I lost my dad’.
It is difficult to place individual raw feeling behind each phrase for each person, especially due to the fact that death is so personal.
In my opinion, what not to say in a grievance situation is to keep schtum and allow your client, your friend, your loved one to tell you how it feels before you allow your own fear to take over.”
Benjamin Marr M.A Psychotherapist runs benjaminmarr.co.uk
Patch
“‘You will feel better when....you have some sleep, get some rest, eat something, over time or soon.’
This statement suggests moving the person on from their grieving process. Telling the person to take care of themselves, even if your intention is meant to be helpful, is not a helpful thing to say to the bereaved person because it implies that person is in some way unable to take care of themselves.
Depending on how you speak to the person, it might also appear as an order or bossy. Everyone grieves differently, at a different rate depending on the quality of the relationship with the bereaved person. How the individual feels at any point of their grief process is uniquely individuated by their relationship and attachment to the bereaved person.
No one can take their painful feelings away from them as much as we want to help the bereaved person.”
Patch is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and runs Patchouli Therapy
Sarah Child
Sarah pointed out that support isn’t just needed immediately after loss, but in the weeks and months following death. It’s important you regularly reach out to the person grieving following the formal events, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or you think it’s unnecessary. After everyone else has moved on, this person is still suffering and needs support.
“There may be something to say about after the ceremony/funeral, as this can be a time when support might be appreciated too, when all the cards and activity quietens, especially if the bereaved person is left alone.”
Sarah Child is a professional therapist and runs sarahchild.co.uk
What to say instead
Even though they’re going through one of the most agonizing things anyone can experience, there are some things you can say which could make your grieving friend’s emotional load a little easier to bear. Here are some helpful, supportive things you can say to someone who’s grieving:
- I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now
- He was such a great friend to me. One of my favourite memories is…
- She was such a wonderful person. She’ll be missed by so many people
- I’m free on [day/time], what can I do to help you?
- I’m so sorry for your loss
- Do you want to talk about them?
It’s true that actions speak louder than words. If you’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing, offer to do something helpful for the person grieving. Losing a loved one is one of the most painful things someone can endure. Even if someone is putting on a brave face, there’s a good chance there’s considerable suffering behind the forced smile. Show you care by making one of the most difficult times in their life a tiny bit easier.
Make an extra portion of food and take it to their house so they’ve got a quick meal they can heat up in a few minutes. Offer to pick their children up from school and look after them for an afternoon. Ask them if they need any shopping picked up from the supermarket or any help around the house. Simple day-to-day tasks can become overwhelming while grieving, and a helping hand goes a long way.
Be honest
When providing comfort to someone who has experienced loss, it’s wise to be supportive. Instead of saying something that has the potential to be perceived as judgemental or hurtful, let the person know that you’re there for them should they need you. Instead of asking them to contact you if they need anything, directly ask them how you can help. In the absence of anything, make them an offer you know you can commit to and go through with it.
If all else fails and you simply can’t find the right words, be honest and let them know. By telling the person grieving that you genuinely don’t know what to say, but you wish you had the right words to comfort them, you’re showing a respectful level of understanding they need during this agonising time.